Millennial Couples Acquiring 90’s Love Pt. II: Prognosticating the Health of a Relationship
“Approach Everything with Questions and Not Answers”
90’s Couple Collage Pt. II by Aniyah Cymone
Now that you’ve met your significant other, how do you keep the relationship flourishing? How do you promote authentic endeavors with a “90’s type love”…? I created 6 tips to help get the ball rolling. Don’t feel attacked, trust and believe that I’ve actually done the exact opposite in my past relationships which is why I know this material all so well.
1. If you learn their Past, You’d know your Future
When you learn about your parents; their fears, weaknesses, triggers, illnesses, and so on, it makes it easier to map out who you are as an individual. We sometimes carry around anxiety and depression, paranoia, aggressive or passive behavior, needy or resistant behavior… not knowing that it’s in our DNA. It’s imperative that we get in touch with knowing who we come from because this casually bleeds into our relationships. As for your partner, help them get to know and make sense of where their traits come from as well.
When unwanted circumstances sprout in your relationship, envious or controlling behavior, addictive traits/substance abuse – it’s easier to conquer when you get familiar with the depths of your historical traits. It’s like a cheat sheet and a blueprint to the maturation of ya’ll journey. Approach Everything with Questions and Not Answers.
2. Date Yourself, Still
Just because you’re in a relationship doesn’t mean you should stop dating yourself. Essentially, before you’ve met your partner, there was a liking for you that grew vigorously and vice versa. To keep that match burning, you have to be in love with yourself. This involves confidence and maintenance. With confidence, if you’re walking around unsure of how you look, how is the world going to believe in anything you stand for? Besides, you can’t love anyone unconditionally if you fall out of love with yourself and you’re drowning in a barrel of insecurities. Then you can’t give your significant other consistency. It’s also essential to have a separate life. Something that’s just for you and involves only you or you and others, OTHER THAN your significant other – it’s not a sin to have a separate life while being married, in a relationship or dating. When people speak of a separate life, they assume that allows and promotes cheating when in actuality it does the very opposite. You allow each other to miss each other and have time to appreciate one another. Having a separate life can be the smallest encounter. My separate life is brunching with my girls and inviting them over for a movie. They even spend the night and we stay up and talk like lil’ teenagers till 4 am and......I "perform" my very best Beyonce 8 counts with the music ignorantly high when I got the house to myself. As for Kyle, he goes out and plays pool with his friends. Indulge in workouts that I’m not invited to because “I might slow him down…” Sometimes we like to shop separately to blow off some steam. I’m a Goodwill-aholic so I can spend hours there. Tapping into a separate life is really simple. Just spend some time with yourself.
3. Promote Discourse – You Hear Me But Are You Listening?
We naturally start to mirror who we date in terms of body language, dialect, judgment and beliefs. However, we don’t grow if we transform into our spouse and convert to the person they want us to be. In other words, if you volunteer to dispose your identity and your opinions for the sake of your relationship, it’d only go so far. It is healthy to have multiple conversations about topics you disagree on because it stimulates the mind. Disagreements balance the relationship. Steel sharpens steel. You both sharpen your views and help each other view situations objectively instead of proposing your opinions as facts. There’s also nothing wrong with stating your opinion and getting those thoughts out loud to exercise your vernacular. Allow each other to challenge one another, creating acrobatic diction. It’s a healthy exercise that in this day & age, especially if you are a part of the minority, it’s a must. To my peers I had a decent vocab. but when I got around certain people (an “elite group”) I just… froze…. I couldn’t find a way to confidently articulate my thoughts while debating or having small talk so I just… didn’t speak too much. With my bf helping me exercise my way of speaking, learning new words and not being ashamed of the slight slurs in my vernacular- it gives me a boost of confidence. A fun way we like to challenge each other (you might think it’s corny), we write sentences on our smart board and use Dictionary.com’s word of the day in the most ratchet way possible.
Practice listening to one another. God gave us two ears and one mouth for a reason. It is overwhelming and annoying when one person talks and get’s interrupted in mid-sentence followed by losing their train of thought. It took me a while to understand and I’m still workin’ on it. I come from a family of women who checks in and out of a conversation getting easily distracted or simply getting so excited that we all talk at the same time. Weird part about it, we can actually understand each other. In a relationship though? In a professional setting? Nah…. Don’t ‘eeen try it. Listen. Not hear. Just listen. Listening with great patience (no matter how excited or passionate you are) to your partner, or whoever, articulate their thoughts and feelings is the vital part of communicating. When you listen, you don’t miss anything; body language, tone of voice, is it cracking… is this a moment of vulnerability? Eye contact, is there any? It’s easier to read people and reach some sort of understanding if you just listen.
4. Use Your Voice With Care
When you’re having disagreements, make it a priority to not leave the conversation without resolving the issue or reaching some sort of understanding. I am horrible at this but my boyfriend does this whenever we’re passionate about our opposing views (e.g. race, religion). I must say… a simple reminder that you love each other regardless in the middle of having dialogue goes a long way.
On a lighter note, don’t be afraid to voice what turns you off. Smells, habits…etc. Honesty & communication is powerful. The lack of is the #1 reason why people cheat. It blows me when I’m having girl talk with one of my girls and they say their guy is too rough with oral and all the etceteras so instead of telling him, they go back to a guy (who aint good for nothin’ but knows what she likes, sexually) and they pretty much teeter totter out of their relationship for pleasure, or emotional support and the list continues. And of course, same with men. They rather go out and shop around for what they miss at home instead of communicating it to their partner. TALK TO ONE ANOTHER. About EVERYTHING. Everything? Every-thing. Okay? You get more accomplished and lessen your chances of shitty on & off relationships/situation-ships with multiple people wishing you can combine all your favorite qualities in one person. That shit is stressful. Stop stressing yourself.
5. Take Accountability
In life in general, we want to view ourselves as the wise one, the hero. We fall short of honesty when we’re guilty of sabotaging ourselves and our relationships. We either build unrealistic expectations of our partner or we develop this “I’m always right,” attitude. Yes, our intuition is strong because we are women, we do have this higher level of understanding, frequency and intuition. However, it doesn’t make a good enough excuse being stubborn or ignorant. Better yet, let’s talk about the crazy girl act. It’s ok to be crazy. I’m crazy. We’re all a little crazy, rather it’s being innovative or fun, or when we’re being pushed to the point of no return and we’re fed the fuck up. But that’s a “reasonable” crazy. Let’s shed a little light on a lil’euphemisms for personal insecurities.
This involves the following:
checking phones
needs passwords
gets violent and express feelings with a raised voice
hitting/biting
The pouting when you don’t get your way and can’t be told no type of crazy.
Keep in mind that yes, you are a woman who deserves to be spoiled but… we have to remember that we are women – not children. How can you expect your partner to take you seriously and respect your wishes when you’re acting like a spoiled three year old? It’s just unrealistic. Get ya' shit together.
6. Create Mystery
Having a healthy relationship does not take common sense. It takes a whole lot discipline and vulnerability. Are you easily influenced by your family and peers? If I allowed a close friend of mine dictate if staying in my relationship was worth it, I wouldn’t be in one. You have to learn how to keep some issues private. Some things aren’t for ya mama, aunt Netta, Cousin Tina and ya’ homegirl Sasha. Now if you have a team of people that you can trust, GREAT. Get that advice when you absolutely need it. Nevertheless, keep some things between you and your partner only. Do NOT, for any rhyme or reasons include social media! You invite negativity from exes and random outsiders that can’t wait to soak up what you’ve worked hard for. Dark energy feeds on vulnerability. Misery loves company and you been knew that! Why let the world into your relationship- dishing out information they don’t need to know. That window allows others to not only place judgment, but it allows people to create stories and scenarios that’ll probably never take place. They’ll feed them to you when you’re not conscious enough to realize you’re being manipulated. It’s wasted energy. Simply springboard ideas to solve YOUR issues with YOUR partner. Nothin’ wrong with a little trial and error… it’s how you evolve. So… KEEP YA’ PRIVATE LIFE PRIVATE.
